Posts tagged best friends

Imagine a steel rake that was placed inside your stomach that began scraping the inside because of the paranoia in your head. Added to this, imagine if someone came to support your paranoia, and therefore added another steel rake to make the scraping of your stomach be done more efficiently. 

I must admit though that the paranoia that I have this time around, comes with such substantiation that even myself  knows that such an ‘incident’ may one day occur. I feel obliged to prepare for it. In other words, I find myself day dreaming about my possible reactions if or when it does happen. 

Nothing in life is a guarantee. People can make promises and eventually they can be broken. I could openly admit that I do not feel cared for. Even though logically there are people who care for me a whole lot. The black and white thinking in my head prefers to tell me that no one really gives a damn.

Take it from me that having this type of thinking, you always feel as if you are threading on thin ice and there is little or nothing that you can do about it. You feel as if the worse events are about to happen in your life and you have no control over it. Its probably the most scary feeling for me in the world.

My paranoia surrounds two individuals that I know. Both of them are great friends of mines. However, there is a little man behind my head telling me beware. Many people have different agendas and different roles to play in life. The one thing that I have learnt is that trust is fickle and fragile. 

I think I discovered a new motto: Keep your friends close and your potential enemies even closer than your existing enemies. Not that I have foes by the hundreds, but enemies to me are people who can affect your train of thought. Your way of life and ultimately the way you function.

I feel as if this were to happen. I honestly would have a mental breakdown. Its something that I cannot see myself dealing with, as oppose to similar situations in the past. The thing is I never predicted such events before and as such I do not blame myself for being this paranoid now.

On the flip side of things. I have my hands very occupied. Today I would be with some kids from the Biche Community. We are carrying them to the National Science Centre for a day of fun. All expenses paid :) 

Despite my life always having the potential to take a turn for the worse, I am so glad that I can steer parts of it in the right direction :D

Always looking at life,

Shahad the Sentinel

DAMION: It was a day of desperation. My friend Jeremy and I were in need of a vocalist for his now defunct alternative rock band Single Recruit. Damion had no idea that Jeremy and I only had one response to the audition thus far. As a matter of fact, I am sure that Damion was convinced that Jeremy and I had numerous people auditioning for the vocalist role, however this was not the case. Damion sang amazingly, however he messed up, because I believed he forgot the lyrics. Damion got the full brunt of my professional appearance, and while he probably has forgotten what it looks like, I can guarantee him that my colleagues and affiliates see it on a regular basis. Damion did indeed join the band, and we made a lot of unforgettable memories and all too often we had many disagreements. I call him my sweet and sour candy, whose taste changes without warning lol 

JEREMY: Way before Damion’s time… I met Jeremy the way how two east Indians should meet…. by a doubles stand. It was by complete accident, because initially Ambika was suppose to introduce us. However as fate would have it, I met him randomly in San Juan. He recognized me and called me. It was quite a short and brief interaction. I told Ambika that I could see Jeremy being one of my very good friends, and the rest was simply history. I spend more time with Jeremy than the majority of my family members. He is more of a little brother than a friend.

AMBIKA AND KRISTEN: Way before Jeremy’s time,  I met both of them while I repeated my final year at Secondary School. I repeated my form 5 year because I had to do emergency surgery on my eyes during my CXC examinations. It was very odd having to make new friends, but Kristen and Ambika made it quite easy to do so. They use to lime a lot with Balmatee and Shelly. Which was rather odd, but then I realized that they all had one time in common: Serious Harry Potter Freaks. I swear that they must at least talk about it every single day. They made up the very few that made it their duty to go to every single Harry Potter movie premiere in Trinidad and Tobago. They braved the lines, and pushed to get good seats at riduclous movie ticket prices. No offense to the Harry Potter fans out there, but my honest opinion back then was how crazy can you get!

STACY: I met Stacy when I had gone on camp with the Environmental Management Authority. Initially Stacy did not like me very much because I actually beat her school to 1st place at a competition. Their school had taken 2nd place. According to her, she was very surprised at my personality because she did not think that I would be that cool and down to earth. I told her that I liked people more than I liked beating people at competitions lol Today I think Stacy and I are the closest amongst all my friends. The primary reason I say this is because I think we could tell each other anything, without being judged. We mostly leave decisions in each other hands, and respect each others decisions once they have been made. We are only concerned about each others happiness.

JOSH: I hated josh so much when I first met him. Its hard for me to like someone, especially when they are trying to tief yuh man! ie Jeremy. I had gotten so jealous when Jeremy and Joshua started liming. They are both photographers and they are both friends. Therefore for everything professional and social, they were always together. Unlike people who beat around the bush about jealously, I told Jeremy up from that I was extremely jealous of the relationship. I told exactly what it had in my head and that Joshua trying to tief meh man. Today those feelings have been released, because I level horn Jeremy on many occasions…. LOL ok that’s not true. I just came to accept Joshua as a really cool friend as well. He did many things to prove himself as trustworthy, dependable and down to earth. 

Always looking at life,

Shahad the Sentinel

I think many people misunderstand me. I think that they would never get who I truly am. I would admit that when I am misunderstood, dynamically I would explode. It does not matter who you are or where you are from, I would react quite similarly when it comes to respecting each other.

When I have stood side by side with someone for years and endured many pains that they had, you would think that there would be an unbreakable bond between us. I wonder if this is the case today. I never pass severe judgement on friends. If they make mistakes, I do not call them names, but rather I give them multiple perspectives to help them understand their position, and try and help them see the many consequences of their actions.

The most I do give me my friends is a load of advice. I could honestly say to myself that I have NEVER told anyone how to live their life. I have never said to my friends who made mistakes to STOP… NO THAT’S WRONG… DO THIS INSTEAD, IT’S THE BETTER CHOICE. Even if I have sad things like these before…. I do NOT threaten them. People have their lives, and they deserve to live it, with or without my advice.

When individuals see my advice as some form of dictation for their lives, I personally get offended, because I never said you had to take it, nor did I ever threaten you that it was the better choice. At the end of the day, I have no consequences to suffer, after all you openly admitted that there were some consequences to your problem.

You need to understand that there are some people who truly love you. When they see that someone is clearly taking advantage of you, and you allow them to do such, it hurts the person more than you can ever know. 

With life comes a multitude of experience, and one of the things that I have learnt, in order to cope with not feeling so hurt all the time, especially when friends think that you are dictating their lives, is to walk away. Do onto others, as you would like them to do on to you. For me personally I do not want a dictator of my life anywhere around me. 

Naturally, many may think that I would “tote” or even “grieve”…. however I have no time to waste. Life is filled of many friends and many people. I am a budding sociopath, and just like the growth of a fruit on a citrus tree, as a strong wind blows, I could drop you just like that!

Always looking at life,

Shahad the Sentinel

Part of being an awesome human being, is admitting to qualities that most would quickly deny. If its one vice that I constantly admit to, its jealousy. To me, jealously can have so many horrible consequences, yet its an emotion that is very difficult to avoid. When it comes to friendships, jealousy for me, can seriously outweigh the average scale. 

In past friendships that I had, I would usually attach myself so emotionally that anything that posed a threat to my friendships, I would explode to the point where I do not know who I am, or where I came from. I guess you could compare me to a pitbull mauling a harmless child. It was never the impending threat that got the full brunt of my heated expositions. It was always my close friend, that I would pick the arguments with. 

When I was in primary school I had no friends. I was a loner and I was no where near a social individual. Today I can’t imagine a life without social interactivity. Sometimes I wonder if this painful past has anything to do with my aggressive nature when it comes to protecting my friendships today. I did indeed have friends in Secondary School, but like the social idiot that I thought I was, I seriously blew all of them out of proportions. 

“Friends come, and friends go” To be honest, I thought I was in full acceptance of this statement, but as of recently I realized that I cannot to terms with it. There are people in my life today, that I cannot afford to lose. However, I cannot fight fate. What is to happen, will happen! The world would forever more continue to spin on its axis, time would elapse and friends would disappear. 

I was telling my best friend, that I should not be the individual to demand anything of him. We do not have to lime every weekend, we do not have to chat online nor do we have to restrict ourselves to one group of friends. In essence we are allowed to see other people. 

A couple of my friends have this bitter sweet feud going on, and it has been like this for quite a couple of years. The concept of my number one person in my life has always been somewhat undecided. Today I wonder if all this should stop. Like I said I am a jealous friend, so when my so called “number one” space is compromised its more than obvious that I would grow two horns and grab a pitchfork to make my angry image complete. 

To be completely honest, I do not get to see my best friend as much as I would like. Yes we do spend A LOT of time together. We see each other almost every weekend. Its quite sickening I know lol :) However, this weekend was the first weekend in a very long time that I did not see him. It was the last weekend, like with every other weekend, to be devoted to liming and hanging out.  He told me that he was not well, and out of it. I understood that and I went about making other plans with my cousins.

It was very disheartening to hear afterwards that my best friend went ahead and made last minute plans. He told me that he needed some alone time. I completely understand that as well, but alone time suppose to be spent alone. This was not the case and as such my jealously went sky rocketing out of the window. I should not be angry though, your friends should be given the free will to hang out with whoever they want, no matter whatever the circumstances.

My defense is that I do not get to see my best friend AT ALL during the week, so when it is that you go ahead and make “last minute” plans with someone who is your friend and business partner, who you see almost every day of every week, it kinda puts my smile upside down. However I am not going to fuss, like I told my best friend, maybe its time for me to take a step back. I should not expect too much from people. Its wrong. Its very wrong!

The fact of the matter is I am a jealous friend, and I can’t stop that, but I believe realizing that I was wrong in the situation, makes me a quick learner. I believe I can evasively put myself in a position, so I do not always end up with the shitty end of the bargain…… studying all night at the end of November…..pfft

Always looking at life,

Shahad the Sentinel

I appreciate friendships a lot. They make up a major part of my life. However I must admit that I am very determined and I know what I want. This also includes what I want in my friends. The only thing constant is change, and like everything else in life, friends can change too.

There are many people that I previously shared so much with. Today, they are still my friends, but we are not as open as we used to be. However, it goes without saying that I can talk to them about anything that may be on my mind. I call this the dwindling of friendships. Its not exactly the same, and its not exactly different. Its just in the process of dwindling. I don’t think its a bad thing. The fondness would always remain…….. but certain things would eventually disappear.

I would admit that I draw away from people. Somethings it may be quickly and then again it would be done so smoothly that you would be unable to recognize it. Lets just say its coming to the point where I really can’t stand to be around you anymore. It literally hurts more to be around you, and feels so much better to be away from you. I am a logical thinker, and thus if something feels good to me…. I gravitate towards it.

Yes as a friend you may be extremely close, but I think friendships is something that requires such meticulousness, attention and detail. I never take it lightly, but these days it is becoming more and more apparent that lightness is a new trait of yours. I would be honest. I am extremely disapointed. Life should be taken with a certain level of seriousness and discipline. 

While I can’t control people’s lives, I can very well control the lives that surround me. Those lives are ones that are highly productive and centralized on self development, evaluation and drive. Why do I always get the feeling that you are so dispassionate. Its sickening and depressing. I like people who are vibrant and who knows what they are doing.

I was really amazed with one of my friends today Joshua Brizan. It was only today I realized how much of a brilliant photographer he was. I honestly did not realize that until today. We had a cover story and photo shoot with Nebula868 and the things that Joshua did with his camera, was seriously beyond me. For the most, the pictures came out extremely sexy, and I was very impressed.

I take this in a very positive light though, cause I realize that while one friendship may be dwindling, others tend to develop…. like they say…. friends do indeed come and go….

Always looking at life,

Shahad the Sentinel

ANSWER 1:

i gotta say, ur one of the sweetest, yet outspoken, talented and creative, wise , responsible and all round successful individuals i’ve ever had the pleasure to call my friend. i wud probably throw in a sweet n sour line too, while crying ur someone i wud come to if i know times are hard. ur almost like a father-like figure, more than a brother .you know how to enjoy urself.proper management makes up ur life..that’s the vibe u give off on people. u kno how to manage ur time, ur money and ur family. u handle the things u can, and u seek advice and comfort from friends about the things u cantyou’re definitely wise, you’ve experienced countless things; more than anyone could dream of, you had more opportunities at your grasp than people would even dare to think about. but most of all you love everyone as if they;re your own familyand you treat them as suchand that’s what makes you stand out from everyone elsewhere regular people see each other as workers, colleagues, friends…you see them as how god intended for us to be; one big familyur truly an inspiration to me shahad

ANSWER 2:

Everyone deserves to know a Shahad…I am lucky to have known one.

The hustling and bustling of using public transportation to get to work is no more. Dad got back his car, and we are now weaving through traffic as we did a couple of months ago. The car looks brand new, and signs of the freak accident have disappeared.

I suppose that the worry of waiting for a taxi to get out of this valley, never really made me too concerned about the date, until this morning. As the car pulled out the driveway, I looked at my blackberry phone and realized that today was June 13th. It did not take me too long to register that today was the birthday of a very special Gemini. No I am not talking about celebrity stars like Chris Evans, I am talking about a very close of friend that taught me a lot of life’s lessons.  

I was so surprised at myself that I remembered his birthday. I am usually the type of friend that depends heavily on facebook for that extra reminder. However I was so surprised when I told myself “I am 90% sure that today his birthday”. It was only then I opened my facebook application, tuned into his news feed and saw the simplistic “Happy Birthday” msgs posted by others on his wall.

Without hesitation I began to write,

“Happy Birthday and all the best. Hope you have a great day and thanks a billion for being a great friend. Trying times had we, but through strength and faith, our friendship literally stood the test of time. Thanks for being a great friend”

I would openly admit to my fellow tumblrs that this friend of mine, was once my everything. We had a good relationship and today we probably still do. However one of the things that I do regret in life, is not speaking to him for 7 long grueling months that had me in emotional stitches. 

It was through my paranoia, that I genuinely believed that trust was compromised in my friendship. I also believed that betrayal was evident, and there was no turning back. I said the most hurtful things that my mouth could ever say to any human being. I still remember the conversation vividly and I do not think that I ever felt so sorry for anything in my life. I could not believed that I shattered one of the most important persons that continually encouraged me for who I am and what I wanted to become. Life can be strange like that sometimes. 

I recently swallowed my pride, and stopped badgering my other friends of how distraught I was over this 7 month ordeal. He literally was a companion that I could tell anything too. He was trustworthy, and I doubted it. 

I recently made my apologies, and I admire him so much more that he accepted it. He was willing to talk to me after I said the worst things that I ever known myself to have ever said. He is just a person who believes in being good and doing good onto others. Who honestly would not want a friend like that.

I am blogging to wish my friend, Roger Ojar, a very Happy Birthday, cause if anyone in my books deserves the best! You definitely do hoss…. Thanks for always being there!